📓 Day 1 – Journal Entry

I Don’t Even Know Who I Am Without a Drink

I’m sitting here with this book and a cup of peppermint tea, trying to pretend like I don’t want to drink so bad my bones itch.

Day 1 says: “Commit. You can do anything for 30 days.”

That line hit me.

Because I’ve committed to toxic men longer than that.
I’ve committed to hating myself.
To numbing. To chaos. To pretending.

Why can’t I commit to healing?

Right now, I’m irritable. My nerves feel raw. Every part of me wants to say “fuck this” and pour a drink just to take the edge off. But I’m still thinking about that girl in the mirror. The one who used to shine. The one I want back.

So here’s my promise: I’ll give it 30 days.

No more excuses. No more pretending I’m fine.
Just me, my truth, and this damn book.

Let’s see who I really am underneath it all.

– M

📓 Day 6 – The Withdrawal is Real

I’m not gonna sugarcoat it.

Today was ugly.

I counted minutes like they were dollars. Paced the apartment like it was a jail cell. Every sound got on my nerves, and my skin? Felt like it didn’t belong to me.

I cursed out the book. I cursed out myself.

And I cried.

Not because I wanted to drink—well, I did—but mostly because I felt like a ghost. Like something died when I poured that last bottle out.

And maybe it did.

But maybe that’s the point. Maybe something has to die so something new can be born.

Right now I’m not sure if I’m breaking down or breaking through.

All I know is—I’m still here.
And I didn’t drink today.

That’s gotta count for something.

– M

📓 Day 9 – Is This What Peace Feels Like?

Something shifted today.

It was quiet. No parade. No confetti.

But I woke up and I didn’t hate myself. I brushed my teeth, looked in the mirror, and didn’t flinch.

I actually... liked me.

I can’t remember the last time I felt that.

My body’s starting to catch up. Skin’s clearing. Eyes brighter. And my mind? It’s sharper. More mine.

The voice in my head that used to whisper “you ain’t shit” is quieter now. Like she’s losing her grip.

And in her place is this new voice—soft but steady—saying:

“Look at you, girl. You’re doing it.”

I’m not healed. I’m not finished.
But for the first time in a long time…

I’m proud.

– M

📓 Day 30 – I Found Her

Thirty days.

I kept my promise.

There were days I wanted to quit. Days I felt ugly, alone, angry, cracked wide open. But I stayed with myself. I didn’t abandon me. Not this time.

And you know what? I found her.

That girl. The one with the fire in her. The one who used to dance in mirrors, laugh until her stomach hurt, dream without apologizing.

She’s still here.

She’s not perfect by any means. But she’s powerful.

I’m not just sober. I’m awake.

Let’s see what Malia can do now.

– M

Excerpt From When Idols Fall